I'm loving M.I.A. - Paper Planes. It's the first song I've heard in ages that I could listen to 40 times and not be bored.



So the new year as brought a new outlook. I've stopped fighting my self entirely - usually I would sit sweating the fact that I had nothing to say and didn't feel like talking to people. If I wasn't worrying about what say next, I was imagining I was a bad person for not wanting to share small talk with people and assumed I didn't like them or they didn't like me.


Now I know - I am kind of weird and different. But I would be lieing if I was to try and talk and be like that. So I sit quiet and get on with things and just pass the time. People around me don't matter - but that doesn't mean I have to tear them down to justify that. This way if they do step out and decide to talk I'm not full of nasty feelings towards them.


I felt judged as the quiet one - but now I know whether you are quiet, loud, in the middle, whatever - people will find a reason to chat shit.


I do worry about them though - I'm only in a good mental place right now because I've university to think about this year. If I was still at the point where I didn't have a plan or an idea what I was doing for the near future I think I'd feel pretty fucking awful.

But I guess also part of my new mental place is realising other peoples agendas are very different to mine. Maybe the daily churn of work and chattin is all they need Maybe I'm compensating for my lack of outward expression and extroversion but I get pleasure from the idea of progress and aiming a bit higer.



So another valentines day rolls around. That's 3 years properly single now. It's not been with out girls I've hung with and come close to something happening with but no one has really clicked with me. I'm not worried though - bringing life down to stats and circumstances is what the media wants to do to make sure you envy the celebrities enough to buy their magazines and hate your self enough to buy the products they're advertising.


I think people could actually add years to their life and suffer a few less grey hairs if they just waited for the right person to come along rather than jumping the first person that comes along with a pleasing exterior. I mean - when you're 50 will being with someone and looking good still be your number one priority? I'd like to think by then I've done the partner thing properly and found some thing higher than that. Maybe kids... but I'd hope I'm contributing to humanity in some way above my own rubbish selfish desires.


Plus .... meeting and pledging your self to someone. That's a looooong fucking time to live with someone. Being that with the progress of medicine and naturally increasing llife span as society improves - we're expected to live until we're 80 or so. 60 fucking odd years with someone? Better make sure they squeeze the tooth paste from the right end.



So... yeh all this is probably trying to comfort my self before tomorrow hits. Infact I will be spending tomorrow at my cousins wedding. But it's a double edge - my whole family hate her prospective husband. He's a homophobic tosser (a problem since my other cousin is gay) and is an agressive controlling cock at that. All this serves to support my theory that little is sacred when you go out with someone


We are all merely slaves to our gut urges.... even when we should know better.



Happy fuckin valentines!!!